Have We Lost the Art of Disagreeing Respectfully?
There's an interesting, yet disturbing phenomenon I've been observing over the past few years. What seems to be an ever increasing number of people blowing up other people's character based on a difference of opinion. What has happened to actively listening to another perspective, disagreeing respectfully and moving forward with an attitude of healthy acceptance of the person even while sitting in a place of disagreement?
Is it that as a culture we've lost the art of disagreeing respectfully? In a world where we’re often hiding behind screens, many disagreements turn into nasty, personal character-shaming tirades. Whether it’s on social media, in politics, or even around the family dinner table, it feels like we’re losing the ability to talk things through calmly, while still maintaining our differing perspectives. So why does this matter? And what can we do to bring back the skill of disagreeing without being rude and dismissive?
The shift towards Polarisation and “Echo Chambers”
Social media and online platforms have made it much easier to connect with people who think just like us. While this can be comforting, it also creates what is known as “echo chambers,” where we only hear opinions that match our own.
This can have a huge impact on how we navigate different points of view. The more we surround ourselves with like-minded people, the less tolerant we become of even hearing different perspectives. Instead of having open conversations, we quickly label or shut down those who disagree. Most often this leads to an “us vs. them” mentality, where it’s all about choosing sides rather than finding common ground and understanding.
Why respectful disagreement is important
So, why should we care about disagreeing respectfully? There are many reasons, and they go far beyond just avoiding arguments.
Understanding Others
Respectful disagreement helps us listen and consider other people’s views. This can help us understand where they’re coming from, even if we don’t agree with them.
Personal Growth
Hearing different opinions can make us think more deeply about our own beliefs. It’s a way to learn and grow as individuals.
Better Relationships
Whether it’s with family, friends, or workmates, being able to disagree without causing a fight is key to building trust and keeping open communication.
What’s causing the decline in respectful disagreement?
Why is it that as a culture we've become terrible at disagreeing respectfully with each other? As I've observed, I believe there are a few contributors:
Social Media Culture
Platforms including Facebook, Instagram and Twitter are designed to encourage quick reactions. We’re rewarded for hot takes and strong opinions, not for thoughtful conversations where we take time to seek out understanding. This leads to snap judgments rather than careful, active listening.
Less Empathy
In recent times, the focus has become a lot more about being right or “winning” arguments. With this as a focus, we become less willing to see things from another person’s point of view, and in doing so our ability to show empathy greatly diminishes.
Fear of Offending
So many of us avoid disagreements or anything that resembles conflict, because we're worried about upsetting someone. But when we avoid tough conversations, it can lead to us making assumptions, leading to misunderstandings and bottled-up feelings, which can result in resentment and frustration.
How do we bring back respectful disagreement?
The great news is that I believe we can learn how to disagree respectfully again. But we must grow a greater awareness of this need to begin with. Following are some simple ways for us, I believe, to make a start:
Practice Active Listening
Genuinely leaning in to what the other person is saying with the intention of understanding their perspective, instead of just waiting for your turn to speak. Ask clarifying questions if you don’t understand, and show that you care about their perspective.
Stay Curious, Not Defensive
When someone disagrees with you, try to be curious about their view instead of feeling attacked. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?” rather than “How can I prove them wrong?”
Find Common Ground
Before diving head-on into a disagreement, start by pointing out something you both agree on. This can make it easier to handle the parts you don’t agree with.
Use “I” Statements
Instead of saying, “You’re wrong because…”, try saying, “I feel differently because…”. This makes the conversation less confrontational and more about sharing your own experience.
Teaching respectful disagreement to future generations
This is actually not just about changing our own behaviour, although that's incredibly important. As a mum, I'm constantly thinking about what kind of example I'm setting for my kids, so they can be better equipped to navigate challenging moments in connection with others.
In the Family
Parents, we have the important job of showing our children how to disagree respectfully. This helps kids learn that it’s okay to have different opinions and that it's possible to discuss differences of opinion, beliefs etc, without becoming angry, resentful and dismissive of others.
In Schools and Communities
Schools and community groups often have opportunity to run programs, and model how to have and encourage healthy conversations. These can teach kids and adults alike how to handle disagreements without getting into unhealthy, irreparable conflict.
In Public Life
Public figures, like politicians and celebrities, have significant influence in our culture. They don't always behave in an acceptable way. But when they do model respectful disagreement, its a good example for the rest of us, and worth highlighting to the young people in our lives.
Disagreements don’t have to be fights
There will always be moments when we find ourselves in disagreement with others, and that’s okay. Thats actually life. What matters is how we show up in those moments. Respectful disagreement doesn’t just stop arguments—it can build stronger relationships and help us grow as individuals. By taking time to listen more, stay curious, and look for common ground, we can learn to disagree in a way that brings us closer together instead of propelling us apart.
If we begin choosing to see disagreements as a chance to learn from each other, to understand more, and to rebuild a culture that values empathy and respect, we step into the privilege of setting our own children and future generations up for a much better and ultimately safer future. Who doesn't want to see that become a reality?